There have been some horrible stories on the web and TV about children being bullied and the resulting effects of those actions. Well, it doesn’t matter if you are young or old bullying can affect anyone. You can always find someone who has been touched by cruelty.
This is not a blog looking for judgment or criticism, it’s for people that have been hurt, touched and harmed by their adult children’s abuse.
Unless you are the target (for whatever reason, gender, age, size, etc.), you can’t possibly understand what a scar on your soul it is to be ridiculed and bullied. We are all born with love in our hearts, but some people forget this and strike out at others because of their own unhappiness. When mom use to say, “It’s hard to hit a moving target” I use to look at her as if she were nuts that is until I had my daughter. Then you realize the target is you and when the hit comes it can last a lifetime. I found when there was a quiet time of no communication that melancholia would set in and I would start thinking of her when she was a child and innocent...then the hit, boom, the familiar hurt came back.
When I started to write this blog, my intention was to write about Adult children bullying their parents. However, overtime, thinking and writing I came to realize that I have been a target of bullies in one-way or another all my life and still am. Moms also use to say to me, “Honey, you must have fallen off the turnip truck”. She said that because I never thought bad about anyone and trusted everyone.
Whether you are young or old, if you are being bullied you must talk to someone about it. However, sometimes talking to your friends or family for a longtime with nothing changing, people get bored with you and don’t want to hear about it anymore. At times like this, you need to find someone with no attachment to you or your attacker.
After deciding to write this blog I realized I have been bumping against one bully after another all my life. Please don’t let this happen to you.
This is about 'Change'. Is it possible? How it happens? What’s next?
"Your life is what you think about yourself, not what others think of you".
While writing and re-reading this blog it has made me realize I have never stood my ground against problems, bullies and the like. This is something I still have to work on. You can call me crazy, but I still have hope that someday she will find happiness and peace. At least enough to perhaps not tell me she hates me.Remember, a bully is an unhappy person looking for a victim to punish.
Don’t let them bully you, even if they’re family. Sometimes you just have to close the door. That is what I have forced myself to do. Yes, at times as I said before, I slip and feel love for her, but then the call or e-mail comes and I go back to this blog and realize I need to close the door once again for protection.
Please feel free to share your story and perhaps we can all offer insight to each other and bring a little peace into our lives.
THANK YOU, from a mid-west mother. I CAN close the door .
ReplyDeleteI hope things have gotten better for you and this coming year will be better than ever. Just remember this is YOUR LIFE and don't let anyone ruin it for you. Peace and Lots of Love, friend.
DeleteI'm so BLESSED to come across this. Im a wife of 20 yrs and mom of 2 adult children ages 19 & 21. I'm at my wits end. My hubby has ALWAYS worked hard for our family and gone alot so it was our deal for me to stay home so I can be there for our kids. I was ALWAYS involved in school etc. Both of my kids talk to me like I'm garbage. Cussing and telling me how bad of a mom I am. I feel alone because my hubby will just tell me to ignore etc but he never jumps in to tell them I'm their mom and I should be respected. Don't get me wrong he's a wonderful dad & hubby just some flaws. My daughter has punched me a couple times and although I've closed that door I will NEVER forget. I'm always trying to be there when needed. Lately though my daughter lost her Best friend in a car accident and has acted out since. She tried to overdosed drank so much she was in the hospital and we've done what we could to help her. She's been attacking me alot lately because she will talk to me about things and although I feel I'm talking to her she says I'm always lecturing. I'm just lost and don't know where or what to do. It makes me sad because I've ALWAYS been close to them but now they're treating me bad and always telling me how awful I've been. Help
DeleteI'm so BLESSED to come across this. Im a wife of 20 yrs and mom of 2 adult children ages 19 & 21. I'm at my wits end. My hubby has ALWAYS worked hard for our family and gone alot so it was our deal for me to stay home so I can be there for our kids. I was ALWAYS involved in school etc. Both of my kids talk to me like I'm garbage. Cussing and telling me how bad of a mom I am. I feel alone because my hubby will just tell me to ignore etc but he never jumps in to tell them I'm their mom and I should be respected. Don't get me wrong he's a wonderful dad & hubby just some flaws. My daughter has punched me a couple times and although I've closed that door I will NEVER forget. I'm always trying to be there when needed. Lately though my daughter lost her Best friend in a car accident and has acted out since. She tried to overdosed drank so much she was in the hospital and we've done what we could to help her. She's been attacking me alot lately because she will talk to me about things and although I feel I'm talking to her she says I'm always lecturing. I'm just lost and don't know where or what to do. It makes me sad because I've ALWAYS been close to them but now they're treating me bad and always telling me how awful I've been. Help
DeleteHello Kim, It is so hard to have children. When they are born we love them with a love only a mother can really understand. We take care of the, love them, nurture them and more then anything we want them to be (what is in our hearts) loving, caring and giving. When they don't act and grow the way we thought they would, it's shocking at first. Then unfortunately, like in my case, they become people you don't recognize. You still love them, but remember it's not all on you. They are a product of the media, their friends and society in general. We always have hope that they will change and in your case I pray they will snap out of it soon and realize what a wonderful, loving and caring mother you are. Thank GOD you have a husband to support you. After all, your children are becoming adults and in a life (they probably still don't understand what it means to be an adult).
DeleteYes, I agree you love them but won't forget this pain. You will or won't depending on how it escalates or doesn't. Just remember, it's not you. You supplied them with life and now it's time to let them know what that means. As you said, you will be there when they need you, but you are not a punching bag for them to lay their confusion and problems on. Once this all happens and we all learn to give, have empathy and understand the only person you can really help and LOVE is yourself.
Joan
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ReplyDeleteNo one has the right to hurt another person. Whether it's physically, emotionally, psychically or even spiritually.
ReplyDeleteWe all have the right to have love in our life and if there is anything but love it doesn't belong.
Remember we are all connected and when one person is hurting, we all feel it.
Health, Happiness, Hope and Love
You are so right and if you share with other people your story, hopefully little by little we can all hold each other in peace and love and not hurt!
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DeleteJolene, I understand completely how you feel and where you are with this situation. You are not weak, you are just a loving person in a tough situation. I have written about my grandson as well and how much I miss him. Unfortunately, every time I try to contact him my daughter blocks my call or emails me she can't wait until I leave this earth. I only tell you this because I hope you know it's not you. We all do the best we can with our children and how they age and become who they are is up to them. For me I always remember my daughter as a child. She isn't the child I remember due to whatever her life experiences have been, she is who she is now. Just like your son, he's not your little boy he is the man he is now and try not to judge him. Just acknowledge to yourself it's not you. Always keep one eye open to love and someday a different relationship, but know that we all have a path to take and his just isn't the one you hoped for. Love yourself and let go, your life is precious and make the best of it while you can. Don't let this situation take you over because then, "Who is the Winner?"
DeleteThanks Joan. I have not heard from Grandson until last night. He said he loved me and missed me. I could hear his Dad, my son, in the background telling him to tell me the he will bring him to me soon. My grandson didn't say anything. I had just mentioned to him prior before my son said anything that maybe his step mom could bring him to see me. Anyway after my call with my Grandson, my son texted me berating me for even suggesting that someone other than he bring my Grandson to see me. That I was using my Grandson to hurt him. I stood strong. He has now put that poor child in the middle of this. I am going to have to get some kind of legal counsel I believe now. This man is not going to stop and I am not going to change my number. The whole thing is sick and destructive. My concern is for my grandson now. I don't want him suggesting that my grandson call me when we can only take the conversation so far. This is part of his manipulation.
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ReplyDeleteI'm a 65 yr old woman my daughter is 43 she is always putting me down talking to me like I'm a chield that needs to be corrected. My mind is sharp I work construction long hard hrs. She lives with my husband and I we have given her a place to live for two yrs and she is getting worse with the disrespect. What can I do?
ReplyDeleteHi Jane, I am71 now and I know how hard this kind of situation can be as we get older. As I said before; for 32 years my daughter only sends me emails asking when I will die and she can't wait. I gave her and her brother (who hasn't talked to me in 26 years and I don't know why, other than he lives on the east coast with his step mother and married her best friend he is 45 she is late 50-'s). TRUST is the biggest thing in any kind of relationship. When that isn't there of course there isn't much else left. People, children can say they love you and stab you in the back. That is why I tell everyone I know, love yourself, trust in yourself and whatever your child feels is her problem not yours. I am sure you are a good person and life is to short to be USED and ABUSED.
DeleteI closed the door on my abusive daughter, she never let me be part of my grandson's life, and once and a while she will call only to yell at me and I have to hang up, otherwise I will be HER victim. I love her and my son, but they have their reasons for using me as the big bad wolf (because I can't give them money and they still blame me for their fathers Brain Cancer). If you want Jane just give it a minute and if things continue this way, "Close the Door". I hope it all works out for you.
I'm a 65 yr old woman my daughter is 43 she is always putting me down talking to me like I'm a chield that needs to be corrected. My mind is sharp I work construction long hard hrs. She lives with my husband and I we have given her a place to live for two yrs and she is getting worse with the disrespect. What can I do?
ReplyDeleteJane,she is putting all her hurt and unhappiness on you and playing the victim. Remember we are all only responsible for our own feelings. If she feels and acts that way toward you that is her not liking herself and her situation.IT'S NOT YOU, she just needs someone to blame.
DeleteI am a 64 widow and my daughter is a 35yr old single Mom. My husband died from complications of staph and bacteria in hospital after his heart pump was removed 2 years ago. Everything was willed to me. We were together 45 yrs. My point is that now my daughter wants to contest my will because she feels entitled to my husband's birthplace. She is mean and manipulative. She pushed my husband and I around physically one time and put a gun to her head as a threat. I made her leave my home 2 days after my husband died because of her cursing at me, throwing her phone at me and screaming in my face. I have tried to help her, but it is never enough. She is so grandiose with lies and posts horrible things about me to her friends and on Facebook. She uses my beautiful 21 month old grandson as a pawn. I used $20,000 of my life ins. Trying to get her out of a bad car deal that she made last year.She tried to dump it all in my lap anyway. I'm done. No more. I have a wonderful successful son who supports me along with his sweet wife and my 5 yr old grandson. That's where I will spend my time and take care of my other beautiful grandson any way I can. She can't keep me from him. I will be strong and move on because I love life and have great friends. Only post support please I've had plenty of the other
ReplyDeleteHi Clay in Mind. 'MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS' I can't think of a more complicated relationship on earth. If you notice, most of these posts are about Mothers being the punching bag for their daughters, because their daughters feel unfulfilled and want more and more, so she points at you as the cause of her unhappiness. It's her not you.
DeleteBelieve me, my daughter has done the same things to me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I really think it's easier for them to bully you or me on the internet, because they can say anything they want without any repercussions.Can't talk back to an email and she can say anything horrible she wants. You can't help her! She has to change and grow out of it. Sounds like she's been spoiled and when things don't go her way and if you can't help her she uses you as a punching bag. If you find solace and love with your son and his family that is where you should be. Trust is so important, feeling you won't be hurt. I am sure YOU ARE A LOVING AND CARING MOTHER AND HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN SO MUCH OF YOURSELF! However, sometimes that isn't enough for spoiled children. Get strong and realize none of this is your fault. Be with friends and people who love and trust you and return it to you.
GOD BLESS YOU and Happy Holidays
I am a 64 widow and my daughter is a 35yr old single Mom. My husband died from complications of staph and bacteria in hospital after his heart pump was removed 2 years ago. Everything was willed to me. We were together 45 yrs. My point is that now my daughter wants to contest my will because she feels entitled to my husband's birthplace. She is mean and manipulative. She pushed my husband and I around physically one time and put a gun to her head as a threat. I made her leave my home 2 days after my husband died because of her cursing at me, throwing her phone at me and screaming in my face. I have tried to help her, but it is never enough. She is so grandiose with lies and posts horrible things about me to her friends and on Facebook. She uses my beautiful 21 month old grandson as a pawn. I used $20,000 of my life ins. Trying to get her out of a bad car deal that she made last year.She tried to dump it all in my lap anyway. I'm done. No more. I have a wonderful successful son who supports me along with his sweet wife and my 5 yr old grandson. That's where I will spend my time and take care of my other beautiful grandson any way I can. She can't keep me from him. I will be strong and move on because I love life and have great friends. Only post support please I've had plenty of the other
ReplyDeleteThanks for poIsting this blog. It gives me some strength in dealing with my own situation. It is incomprehensible to me how some adult children act. This Thanksgiving was my turning point; I realized my own need to live a life free from this bullying and disrespect.
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ReplyDeleteI myself had to close the dooe. My daughtee being beyond abusive, lies, manipulation. My parents died three months apart, with that trama, on top of her drama, I chose to close the door. My life is peaceful, i feel free and i will not speak to her and have not in over a year. I will NOT be blamed, or feel guilty. I did not create this monster, nor will i enable her to continue to treat me like a piece of crap. Best decision i could have made. She is a narcissit and a therapist told me the best way to deal with her is no contact. I have peace now. She continues to try and get to me but i simply do not let her. Takes alot of strength but yes it can be done.
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ReplyDeleteHi Jolene, When I was stressed out in my life I never asked my mother if she could hurry up her dying. Or hitting her, or damaging her car and telling everyone she meets, including her shrink how horrible I am. Sometimes, the only thing you can do to protect yourself from the deep soul and heartache, is to cut yourself off. My daughter has wished me dead in email and phone yelling for over 30 years. All I can do is pray for her because she has mental problems. It would be easier if she were on drugs or alcohol, but she was spoiled as a child, way to much, since I was a single mother trying to make up for not finding a husband.
DeleteThe only time we had a good relationship was when she was a child before I had her brother. She was 5 years old and has always hated her brother and me. Thus when she got the time she told my son many lies about me so he would hate me too. It gets easier as you get older to "CLOSE THE DOOR" FROM BEING HURT AND BLAMING MYSELF. It is all a story playing out and will be over soon. I believe life always turns out the way it's supposed to.
As long as we stop forcing things they usually turn out the way they are meant to be. I had to finally realize that my son just flat does not like me or any of his family. Best to let them go. They either find their way back or they don’t. If they don’t then it wasn’t meant to be.
ReplyDeleteUpdate....my grandson is now living with us. I have cut my son off. My husband is his only source of contact at this time. My son has not asked that his son move back home. He has not gone to the school to get him he has not shown up,at my door to demand that he go with him. We are planning legal recourse at this time. God works in mysterious ways and I pray all the time my son finds a way to heal. My path right now is to protect my grandson who has fallen a victim to his verbal abuse and neglect. His grades at school have improved dramatically. I am blessed this year.
ReplyDeletebullied & manipulated by my 36 yr old daughter--horrible when yo give your best & get abused in return--even to the point of pressured to buy a home for her & her family--including 4 kids & husband--they were not financially able to support a large family, so grandkids were used as manipulation. Her disrespect & bullying started when she was 14 & continues 22 years later. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, but I was able to divorce him. How do I handle trying to survive a relationship with an abusive daughter who holds my grandchildren hostage? I have stronge faith & trust God---but this is so difficult to live through--so unfair & cruel.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what disrespect feels like. I have not heard from my son in 23 or more years and "I don't know why?" My Daughter on the other hand. I don't see how you should be held responsible for buying a house for her. The bullying is horrible to deal with. I am glad you have your faith. 'Trust in GOD'. "NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED AND NOTHING UNREAL EXISTS". Ekhart Tole. Just remember you are not alone. You can always write me and believe tomorrow is another day, GOD willing and you never what the future holds. She may come around but only GOD knows the timetable.
DeleteI was married to someone that bullied my life, and my Adult daughter behaves just like he did...she tried to decide if I could drive my own car, when I was in my 50's, or read books, or watch TV. She got married and he's a bully and she gives him permission to bully me. I remarried, and now She and her husband bully us as much as they can. I made a huge mistake...buying a home for them, to rent and buy from us...because they lived in an old apartment, and unexpectedly had a child. We tried to help their lives and be closer to them...big big mistake. My husband and I are both giving kind people, and my daughter told me that her husband's family always got by with USING OTHER PEOPLE...and she is like them. They now make every attempt to fool us, lie to us to make us give them money, make excuses for not doing the yard work at the home we own, and if we visit them and we are doing hard work for them, baby sitting, yard work, etc....then they are some what nice. If we just go to visit, my Son-in-law gets so mean when I say anything that is not about giving to him. He will cut me off before I can say something and add in his own rude derogatory remarks, so now we just don't like to be around them at all. I have a very bad feeling my grand daughter will become a bully like her parents...she already bites kids at day care if she wants their toy. My husband and I bought a 2nd home in the South and we are both originally from the South and we enjoy going there...now my Son in Law hates the South, hates Southern people, and he and his brother will not stop badgering me with the prejudices. In addition, his Mother is an alcoholic and she sits in the home we bought for them to rent/buy...and uses the most lewd filthy sick sexual remarks...in front her own adult kids, in their home...she respects NO ONE. So we don't like being around them. There's no way to see my grand daughter without being bullied. I asked them to stop doing this to us...they see no fault in their behavior at all. So now we are stuck with the home they live in, and we own it...I regret helping them at all. In addition they are angry that they have to pay for child care of $1,400 a month...and they decide that OUR TIME in our retirement years should be used for their purposes. I've never seen people be so inconsiderate. We are Seniors and we never ever ask them to do anything for us at all. His Mother whose an alcoholic...they give her money. I'm bewildered by it all, and some times I feel sad that I can't have a relationship with my daughter...other times I feel it's time to give up and not try to anymore.
DeleteMy son's mental abuse started trickling to my grandson, his son, who now lives with me. I have had to block my son because of the vulgarity that he texts me. We leave my husbands phone number should my son need to contact us regarding his son. It helps but still hurts. I do not hold out hope for a change on my son's part. All I could do was change the way I reacted and that is to not react and block him.
ReplyDeleteJolene,
ReplyDeleteIt is very sad when it comes to having your grandson being influenced by your son. I have received phone messages, texts you name it from my daughter telling me how she can't wait until I am six feet under in an unmarked grave. this has been for 32 years. I sneak about when I can to see my grandson and he's 14 years old so he has his own phone and calls me when he can. Now he is very sick, but my daughter won't tell me what is wrong with him. Painful, but I blocked my daughter's number and he is the only one in that prefix.
Please help me my 40 yr old son is bullying we live together and I’m disabled what can I do to make him stop
ReplyDeleteCall Adult Protective Services. It's bad enough he bullies you but being disabeled on top of it.
DeleteMy 31 year old son was bullied in middle school. He started bulling me when he was in high school. Now he lives with his first serious girlfriend and has broke all ties with me. I haven't said or done anything negative to either of them. They have been together a year and a half. Everything has been fine until this past March when he walked out and left me sitting in a restaurant alone. When I got outside he started cussing me and calling me names because he said I didn't ask her have girlfriend was. I drove him back to his car at my house while he cussed and screamed at me the whole time. The last thing he said to me was he was happier than he has ever been and he didn't need me and I could go f myself. That was 4 months ago and he will not respond to any of my communications.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about so much pain that other adults have suffered at the expense of a bullying adult child. I, too, am at my wits end. I am 70 years old and my daughter is turning 50 this month. It seems like nomatter what I do for her or give her, it's never enough. An example: I recently helped her get her rental house in order for turnover for a new tenant. I only used my money because she kept saying I would get repayed. I live on Social Security so she knows I can't afford this without repayment. And she did not have to repay me from her own money. It was coming from insurance money and tenant's deposit she already had. I spent numerous days & hours along with all of my social security money for her. When I finally realized she had no intention of reimbursing me, I decided to remove a mirror I gifted her to take back for a refund as I was in dire straights at this point. Oh, I forgot to mention I had also in the previous month charged a nonrefundable airline ticket to go cross country to her home to babysit her little furballs so she could travel to her doctors in LA which I was happy about at the time. She later told me she was not going at that time so I did not have to come. Back to her rental house and my gifted mirror. No later than the same day I removed the mirror with intention of getting a refund to help me with money, I found an extremely viscious message from her, She threatened me and said if I did not return the mirror that day, she would call the police to file theft charges against me. She said the mirror was gifted to her and that by me removing it, she would have me arrested for theft. We have not spoken since. We have had some challenges in our relationship, but she has taken to whole new levels which I don't know if we can recover from. In addition to being extremely abusive, it feels she has completely destroyed any trust we had between us. Is all lost?
ReplyDeleteHello. I have been trying to find a place to vent. The people that I've went to are all tired of hearing me...
ReplyDeleteI have a 33 year old daughter with three kids. Even prior to her being a mother; I have allowed her to hold a guilt trip on me from something 30 years ago (I went into treatment for drugs) Now it has turned to something where she thinks I am old and crazy and need to be in a hospital...
Last summer she lost her home in a fire. It has been hard for her but since she has been at my house six months ago, it has been hell:
She has abused me verbally/mentally and in the past physically. I cannot get her out of my home now. She has told me that I have to give her an official notice (her name is not on the lease). She has been a disturbance in my small apartment. Police have been called and I try to have little or no communication with her because she will lash out of the smallest thing and blame me! I'm tired of apologizing for things I did not do; yet alone did. My two oldest grandchildren are teenagers and anything I say to them they will bring it back to her; then she will lash out at me for saying anything. We had a HUGE blowout this past Sunday and she said she will be gone on 7/28; but I don't think that is true.
I want to commit suicide...just to get her attention.
But God is my life and its too precious. But I'm really hurting. My eldest brother and family have talked to her; but she NEVER accepts responsibility for her behavior. Please...if there is person I can talk to or vent to and seek some low income legal advice to get her out of my home. PLEASE HELP ME! I don't feel I have to leave my house to get peace
I’m really hurting because I feel my sin is bullying me. I just can’t handle it any more but I love him deeply and care about him. This has happened on and on relentlessly for 15 years now. The worst thing is that I do respond every now and again but come off worse in the eyes of my wife who also adores him. I cannot begin to tell you how much we have supported him over the years. This is both financial and just being there. He is a highly intelligent young man but I’m just feel I’ll with the thought of seeing him now. Xmas day has just gone and he has left back to London angry as usual with me. I am left with the guilt and I’m not. What can I do as I almost feel suicidal .
ReplyDeleteI am in your exact situation. Our middle aged son lives with us and bullies especially his mother. The father turns a blind eye because he wants no confrontation. He is full of rage. He talks over us and speaks as if her is an expert on everything. We can see he is unhappy. He has been permanently damaged from a back surgery has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and lives in chronic pain. No one will help him because of his past. He is verbally abusive and has once even assulted his father. As parents we try to talk with him but he immediately becomes defensive and angry. He is relentless when it comes to turning a subject around and making his parents at fault. He has put holes in our walls. Once with his fist and throwing a plate. He has no friends or woman in his life. He is miserable every day. He visits with beings from other planets and has real relationships with them. He is extremely smart but would never go to someone for help. He doesn’t think their is anything wrong with him. He has convinced himself that everyone else including his parents are the problem. On the other hand he can be the most caring loving person I’ve ever seen. I feel like ending my life sometimes because I cannot have any peace in my senior years. I cry everyday. I love my son more than anything but I am not that physically healthy and I feel like a very old woman instead of someone in their 60’s. I’m scared because I know if he leaves he will probably lose his life or wind up in prison. God help me. I don’t know what to do.
ReplyDeleteMy adult daughter is very controlling, condescending, and a bully. She is married, very well off, 50 years old, has only given me brief visits to see my grandchildren over the years. I must jump thru hoops. She sets dates, then changes her mind at last minute. She yells a lot and uses vulgar words at my young grandson, and sometimes at her husband. She has kept me on the phone screaming at me at times. She seems jealous that I remarried, to a wonderful man,and live distant 6 months per year. She said I am no kind of a grandmother, as I had a choice to live near by year round. But, she has been difficult for years. She used to come into my place of employment and tell at me, or call me at work on the phone and get mean. She has been a bully to my co-workers before I retired. But, she played it up big and sweet with my elderly mom because she thought she would be a fortunate beneficiary of my mom's estate. She is greedy, all about money. I am all about the basics of life. She makes fun of me in front of people, no respect. Whenever I am around her, she stays on the phone with friends and does not speak with me, or she overrides any conversation. She condescend constantly. So, I just stay quiet. I could die tomorrow and I don't think she cares what happens to me. It is so heartbreaking. I did so much with her while she was growing up. But, I worked long hours too. She is still angry about me divorcing her dad. I have never told her all the things he did to me. I am just glad he is out of my life. Though, she insists that if I want to see her and my gradchildren on any holiday, that he is invited. I have forgiven him, but never want to be in his presence, but I have done it for years and she seems to enjoy and be amused by my discomfort. Her dad was abusive to her, but she says now at least he lives close and is a good grandfather. Based on his previous behavior that she hated, I don't know why she feels safe about him being around her children. My husband is such a kind and tender man, and he thought sbe was a good person, but even he has been so shocked over and over by her, and he now finds it near impossible to like her, much less trust her sometimes hateful, erratic, out of control behavior. It is all so sad. Anyway, I am at a loss with how to cope and get past the hurt. I always envisioned a lifetime close relationship with her. This is undeserved mistreatment. To stand up to her opens me up for her nasty words and bullying because she wants to have the upper hand and the control. I have had two heart attacks, and I don't care to argue with her.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter sounds very similar to mine; my heart goes out to you. But you do have choices as to how you handle her behavior. Don't be a victim. Pluck up and give her a taste of her own medicine. You can't control her, but you can control how you feel about her behavior. Good luck in the future.
ReplyDeleteThank you, MSnell. Actually, I did stand up to her a number of times, but saw that she was hoping for that to happen so she could feel justified to really get to the next step of hostile. She could out-argue. She screamed and ranted, vulgar, hateful, got within inches of my face, raised her fist, threatened to keep me away from my grandchildren forever, etc. She never took a breath, loved the center stage, loved being louder, loved her own anger and words. I saw the mental illness for what it was. After she was done and there was just me, I suffered a serious heart episode. After that, I did not answer her calls or texts...let me add that she has aselective-amnesia about her behavior, other times she sent little happy faces, or tells me cute things about her kids, or asks me what I think about her getting a new sofa, or asks me if I heard that so and so is getting married, or she has heard that an acquaintance of mine is I'll and she just wants me to know, etc, etc...just hours after her massive rages. Perhaps she is bipolar, or multi personality, or God knows what drives her. She recently texted that she is taking a medication for pre menopause. If she is pre menopause, then she has been since she was 19.
ReplyDeleteHoping it will help some, but she still rages. Everytime she 3ver has shown a soft moment, I get my Hope's up, thinking there finally might be better times ahead, or age ie medication has calmed her. But then suddenly, out if nowhere, the bully and the rage reappear. My weak heart will not allow me to go to battle with her. I cannot change her...only can change how I allow her to affect me, or not. I can't turn the feelings off 100%, and I still get sucked in about being hopeful that it will ever change, but I know it is what it is...just wish we could ever have an honest, warm and loving relationship. I know I must not focus on it. I have taken up i terests and hobbies (art, music, involvement in animal rescue programs, and helping people in our church) over the recent years, and that has really helped soothe me. There is just the "mom" in me wishing this one sad part of my life would get better before I die. I realize, after reading this blog, that I am not the only one, not alone in this. It is sad, but there is also strength found and offered in this group. Thank you.
P.S.
ReplyDeleteOverlook my mis-spellings. I really can spell...but my typing finger just gets going and I don't stop to check.
;)
Yes, it helps me as well to know that I'm not alone. Everything that you have written could have been said about my daughter. I, too, wish for a loving relationship with my daughter. But, you are right, we cannot change them. I'm glad that you have your church and other interests. I decided last year that it was time to move on with my life. My door is open to her as long as she acts decently; I will not take her abuse any longer. Prayers for both of us.
ReplyDeleteAmen♡Prayers for both of us, MSell
ReplyDelete(And prayers for all of us on this blog, as well as others out there who share this sad experience).
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I have 6 children. My 26 yr old son is homeless and on very heavy drugs. He has tried to stop many times but has fallen many times. He has had anger issues all his life and for many yrs it has gotten worse! The guilt I feel for how he was raised is horrible. The amount of times he tells me I was a crappy mom is just too many to count. He is very controlling and abusive and has no care in the world who he hurts and he controls me all the time. He has been staying with me for almost 2 months and today was it.... The names he kept calling me and the threats were horrible, so horrible that I jumped out of my car. I did go back in and drove to my younger daughters place for safety and help but he still was horrible. He demanded i drive him to the bank and we did but the entire way there he called us very gross and disgusting names. My daughter finally got fed up and said she was going to call the cops. Lots of screaming went on and he threatened to kill and hurt us. he did get out of the car and we sped away fast. But I feel so horrible for him because of the past and i know he needs mental help. I feel horrible for my daughter as well for what he said to her. Im so lost and i have no clue what to do or where to go for help
ReplyDeleteReading your blog has made me think and understand a lot. Apparently, there are a lot of us out there who are bullied emotionally (and in the past) physically by our children. My concern has always been about my grandchildren, but reading through these comments, I'm not serving them well by allowing their mother to be so abusive to me. She brings up every fault of mine in the past, and yes, I've given her loans that are never repaid in order to see my grandchildren. I moved for her! I left one state and moved to another 5 years ago because she needed me. I left my support and came to support her. She married an asshat. HE cheated on her and she probably cheated on him. she'd leave my grandchildren with me for the weekend and state she'd pick them up on Sunday morning and usually it was Sunday night. I was exhausted. After her husband left her (for her best friend I might add while she was 6 months pregnant), I thought we'd find a bond as I am divorced. So very, very, wrong. She ended up with a man that I couldn't stand from the get go and after a few years with him, she came home to the FBI on her doorstep with images of my 4 year old granddaughteer and his "member" on the internet. So, she moved out of State to where her ex-husband lives. I gave my granchildren a folder full of paper and envelopes to write letters to me. That doesn't happen. They don't call, they don't write. I did go to them over the holidays and rented a hotel room to assist with after-surgery for two of my grands. One had her tonsils out, the other little guy, tubes in his ears. While there, I was again subjected to her whims of "drop them off with grandma and come back to get them whenever." I was in a freaking hotel. Since then, she's hooked up with some nasty guy and posts the grossest images on FB. I'm not her FB friend, I'm friends with others who get the images. She's told me I'm responsible for her father's death (he took his own life when she was 16 and the week prior, had been at my home to try and seek communication with her - we were divorced). I have been called a c**t, told to F**k off, and numerous other things and yet, when she calls, I think of my grands and try to help. No more. When I was with my eldest grandchild over the holidays, I was shocked at her verbage and the blame she placed on her new step-mother about not being fair to even this "what part of no Christmas lights on the house didn't you hear, Mimi?" She's 7. My daughter has anger management issues and she has since she was in Middle School. I need to stop thinking things will change by my hand. They won't. As sorry as it sounds, I'm a wee bit thankful to know I am not alone.
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ReplyDeleteI thank you all for sharing. I'm the mom of a 21 tear old who is extremely abusive. He punched me so hard it broke my rib a couple of weeks ago. He refuses to seek professional help. I'm at the end of my rope. I plan on calling 911 the next time he hits me. The constant threats to kill himself or murder me. He goes into gorey details of how my violent death will play out. What can I do, other than call the cops? And if he thinks that Im calling the cops he grabs the phone. There's a trail of property damage. How do I get out from under this?
ReplyDelete