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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Adult children bulling their parents

There have been some horrible stories on the web and TV about children being bullied and the resulting effects of those actions. Well, it doesn’t matter if you are young or old bullying can affect anyone. You can always find someone who has been touched by cruelty.

This is not a blog looking for judgment or criticism, it’s for people that have been hurt, touched and harmed by their adult children’s abuse.

Unless you are the target (for whatever reason, gender, age, size, etc.), you can’t possibly understand what a scar on your soul it is to be ridiculed and bullied. We are all born with love in our hearts, but some people forget this and strike out at others because of their own unhappiness. When mom use to say, “It’s hard to hit a moving target” I use to look at her as if she were nuts that is until I had my daughter. Then you realize the target is you and when the hit comes it can last a lifetime. I found when there was a quiet time of no communication that melancholia would set in and I would start thinking of her when she was a child and innocent...then the hit, boom, the familiar hurt came back.

When I started to write this blog, my intention was to write about Adult children bullying their parents. However, overtime, thinking and writing I came to realize that I have been a target of bullies in one-way or another all my life and still am. Moms also use to say to me, “Honey, you must have fallen off the turnip truck”. She said that because I never thought bad about anyone and trusted everyone.

Whether you are young or old, if you are being bullied you must talk to someone about it. However, sometimes talking to your friends or family for a longtime with nothing changing, people get bored with you and don’t want to hear about it anymore. At times like this, you need to find someone with no attachment to you or your attacker.

After deciding to write this blog I realized I have been bumping against one bully after another all my life. Please don’t let this happen to you.

This is about 'Change'. Is it possible? How it happens? What’s next?

"Your life is what you think about yourself, not what others think of you".

While writing and re-reading this blog it has made me realize I have never stood my ground against problems, bullies and the like. This is something I still have to work on. You can call me crazy, but I still have hope that someday she will find happiness and peace. At least enough to perhaps not tell me she hates me.

Remember, a bully is an unhappy person looking for a victim to punish.

Don’t let them bully you, even if they’re family. Sometimes you just have to close the door. That is what I have forced myself to do. Yes, at times as I said before, I slip and feel love for her, but then the call or e-mail comes and I go back to this blog and realize I need to close the door once again for protection.

Please feel free to share your story and perhaps we can all offer insight to each other and bring a little peace into our lives.

30 comments:

  1. THANK YOU, from a mid-west mother. I CAN close the door .

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    1. I hope things have gotten better for you and this coming year will be better than ever. Just remember this is YOUR LIFE and don't let anyone ruin it for you. Peace and Lots of Love, friend.

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    2. I'm so BLESSED to come across this. Im a wife of 20 yrs and mom of 2 adult children ages 19 & 21. I'm at my wits end. My hubby has ALWAYS worked hard for our family and gone alot so it was our deal for me to stay home so I can be there for our kids. I was ALWAYS involved in school etc. Both of my kids talk to me like I'm garbage. Cussing and telling me how bad of a mom I am. I feel alone because my hubby will just tell me to ignore etc but he never jumps in to tell them I'm their mom and I should be respected. Don't get me wrong he's a wonderful dad & hubby just some flaws. My daughter has punched me a couple times and although I've closed that door I will NEVER forget. I'm always trying to be there when needed. Lately though my daughter lost her Best friend in a car accident and has acted out since. She tried to overdosed drank so much she was in the hospital and we've done what we could to help her. She's been attacking me alot lately because she will talk to me about things and although I feel I'm talking to her she says I'm always lecturing. I'm just lost and don't know where or what to do. It makes me sad because I've ALWAYS been close to them but now they're treating me bad and always telling me how awful I've been. Help

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    3. I'm so BLESSED to come across this. Im a wife of 20 yrs and mom of 2 adult children ages 19 & 21. I'm at my wits end. My hubby has ALWAYS worked hard for our family and gone alot so it was our deal for me to stay home so I can be there for our kids. I was ALWAYS involved in school etc. Both of my kids talk to me like I'm garbage. Cussing and telling me how bad of a mom I am. I feel alone because my hubby will just tell me to ignore etc but he never jumps in to tell them I'm their mom and I should be respected. Don't get me wrong he's a wonderful dad & hubby just some flaws. My daughter has punched me a couple times and although I've closed that door I will NEVER forget. I'm always trying to be there when needed. Lately though my daughter lost her Best friend in a car accident and has acted out since. She tried to overdosed drank so much she was in the hospital and we've done what we could to help her. She's been attacking me alot lately because she will talk to me about things and although I feel I'm talking to her she says I'm always lecturing. I'm just lost and don't know where or what to do. It makes me sad because I've ALWAYS been close to them but now they're treating me bad and always telling me how awful I've been. Help

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    4. Hello Kim, It is so hard to have children. When they are born we love them with a love only a mother can really understand. We take care of the, love them, nurture them and more then anything we want them to be (what is in our hearts) loving, caring and giving. When they don't act and grow the way we thought they would, it's shocking at first. Then unfortunately, like in my case, they become people you don't recognize. You still love them, but remember it's not all on you. They are a product of the media, their friends and society in general. We always have hope that they will change and in your case I pray they will snap out of it soon and realize what a wonderful, loving and caring mother you are. Thank GOD you have a husband to support you. After all, your children are becoming adults and in a life (they probably still don't understand what it means to be an adult).
      Yes, I agree you love them but won't forget this pain. You will or won't depending on how it escalates or doesn't. Just remember, it's not you. You supplied them with life and now it's time to let them know what that means. As you said, you will be there when they need you, but you are not a punching bag for them to lay their confusion and problems on. Once this all happens and we all learn to give, have empathy and understand the only person you can really help and LOVE is yourself.
      Joan

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  3. No one has the right to hurt another person. Whether it's physically, emotionally, psychically or even spiritually.
    We all have the right to have love in our life and if there is anything but love it doesn't belong.
    Remember we are all connected and when one person is hurting, we all feel it.

    Health, Happiness, Hope and Love

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    1. You are so right and if you share with other people your story, hopefully little by little we can all hold each other in peace and love and not hurt!

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    2. Jolene, I understand completely how you feel and where you are with this situation. You are not weak, you are just a loving person in a tough situation. I have written about my grandson as well and how much I miss him. Unfortunately, every time I try to contact him my daughter blocks my call or emails me she can't wait until I leave this earth. I only tell you this because I hope you know it's not you. We all do the best we can with our children and how they age and become who they are is up to them. For me I always remember my daughter as a child. She isn't the child I remember due to whatever her life experiences have been, she is who she is now. Just like your son, he's not your little boy he is the man he is now and try not to judge him. Just acknowledge to yourself it's not you. Always keep one eye open to love and someday a different relationship, but know that we all have a path to take and his just isn't the one you hoped for. Love yourself and let go, your life is precious and make the best of it while you can. Don't let this situation take you over because then, "Who is the Winner?"

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  5. Thanks Joan. I have not heard from Grandson until last night. He said he loved me and missed me. I could hear his Dad, my son, in the background telling him to tell me the he will bring him to me soon. My grandson didn't say anything. I had just mentioned to him prior before my son said anything that maybe his step mom could bring him to see me. Anyway after my call with my Grandson, my son texted me berating me for even suggesting that someone other than he bring my Grandson to see me. That I was using my Grandson to hurt him. I stood strong. He has now put that poor child in the middle of this. I am going to have to get some kind of legal counsel I believe now. This man is not going to stop and I am not going to change my number. The whole thing is sick and destructive. My concern is for my grandson now. I don't want him suggesting that my grandson call me when we can only take the conversation so far. This is part of his manipulation.

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  7. I'm a 65 yr old woman my daughter is 43 she is always putting me down talking to me like I'm a chield that needs to be corrected. My mind is sharp I work construction long hard hrs. She lives with my husband and I we have given her a place to live for two yrs and she is getting worse with the disrespect. What can I do?

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    1. Hi Jane, I am71 now and I know how hard this kind of situation can be as we get older. As I said before; for 32 years my daughter only sends me emails asking when I will die and she can't wait. I gave her and her brother (who hasn't talked to me in 26 years and I don't know why, other than he lives on the east coast with his step mother and married her best friend he is 45 she is late 50-'s). TRUST is the biggest thing in any kind of relationship. When that isn't there of course there isn't much else left. People, children can say they love you and stab you in the back. That is why I tell everyone I know, love yourself, trust in yourself and whatever your child feels is her problem not yours. I am sure you are a good person and life is to short to be USED and ABUSED.
      I closed the door on my abusive daughter, she never let me be part of my grandson's life, and once and a while she will call only to yell at me and I have to hang up, otherwise I will be HER victim. I love her and my son, but they have their reasons for using me as the big bad wolf (because I can't give them money and they still blame me for their fathers Brain Cancer). If you want Jane just give it a minute and if things continue this way, "Close the Door". I hope it all works out for you.

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  8. I'm a 65 yr old woman my daughter is 43 she is always putting me down talking to me like I'm a chield that needs to be corrected. My mind is sharp I work construction long hard hrs. She lives with my husband and I we have given her a place to live for two yrs and she is getting worse with the disrespect. What can I do?

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    1. Jane,she is putting all her hurt and unhappiness on you and playing the victim. Remember we are all only responsible for our own feelings. If she feels and acts that way toward you that is her not liking herself and her situation.IT'S NOT YOU, she just needs someone to blame.

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  9. I am a 64 widow and my daughter is a 35yr old single Mom. My husband died from complications of staph and bacteria in hospital after his heart pump was removed 2 years ago. Everything was willed to me. We were together 45 yrs. My point is that now my daughter wants to contest my will because she feels entitled to my husband's birthplace. She is mean and manipulative. She pushed my husband and I around physically one time and put a gun to her head as a threat. I made her leave my home 2 days after my husband died because of her cursing at me, throwing her phone at me and screaming in my face. I have tried to help her, but it is never enough. She is so grandiose with lies and posts horrible things about me to her friends and on Facebook. She uses my beautiful 21 month old grandson as a pawn. I used $20,000 of my life ins. Trying to get her out of a bad car deal that she made last year.She tried to dump it all in my lap anyway. I'm done. No more. I have a wonderful successful son who supports me along with his sweet wife and my 5 yr old grandson. That's where I will spend my time and take care of my other beautiful grandson any way I can. She can't keep me from him. I will be strong and move on because I love life and have great friends. Only post support please I've had plenty of the other

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    1. Hi Clay in Mind. 'MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS' I can't think of a more complicated relationship on earth. If you notice, most of these posts are about Mothers being the punching bag for their daughters, because their daughters feel unfulfilled and want more and more, so she points at you as the cause of her unhappiness. It's her not you.
      Believe me, my daughter has done the same things to me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I really think it's easier for them to bully you or me on the internet, because they can say anything they want without any repercussions.Can't talk back to an email and she can say anything horrible she wants. You can't help her! She has to change and grow out of it. Sounds like she's been spoiled and when things don't go her way and if you can't help her she uses you as a punching bag. If you find solace and love with your son and his family that is where you should be. Trust is so important, feeling you won't be hurt. I am sure YOU ARE A LOVING AND CARING MOTHER AND HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN SO MUCH OF YOURSELF! However, sometimes that isn't enough for spoiled children. Get strong and realize none of this is your fault. Be with friends and people who love and trust you and return it to you.
      GOD BLESS YOU and Happy Holidays

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  10. I am a 64 widow and my daughter is a 35yr old single Mom. My husband died from complications of staph and bacteria in hospital after his heart pump was removed 2 years ago. Everything was willed to me. We were together 45 yrs. My point is that now my daughter wants to contest my will because she feels entitled to my husband's birthplace. She is mean and manipulative. She pushed my husband and I around physically one time and put a gun to her head as a threat. I made her leave my home 2 days after my husband died because of her cursing at me, throwing her phone at me and screaming in my face. I have tried to help her, but it is never enough. She is so grandiose with lies and posts horrible things about me to her friends and on Facebook. She uses my beautiful 21 month old grandson as a pawn. I used $20,000 of my life ins. Trying to get her out of a bad car deal that she made last year.She tried to dump it all in my lap anyway. I'm done. No more. I have a wonderful successful son who supports me along with his sweet wife and my 5 yr old grandson. That's where I will spend my time and take care of my other beautiful grandson any way I can. She can't keep me from him. I will be strong and move on because I love life and have great friends. Only post support please I've had plenty of the other

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  11. Thanks for poIsting this blog. It gives me some strength in dealing with my own situation. It is incomprehensible to me how some adult children act. This Thanksgiving was my turning point; I realized my own need to live a life free from this bullying and disrespect.

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    1. Hi Jolene, When I was stressed out in my life I never asked my mother if she could hurry up her dying. Or hitting her, or damaging her car and telling everyone she meets, including her shrink how horrible I am. Sometimes, the only thing you can do to protect yourself from the deep soul and heartache, is to cut yourself off. My daughter has wished me dead in email and phone yelling for over 30 years. All I can do is pray for her because she has mental problems. It would be easier if she were on drugs or alcohol, but she was spoiled as a child, way to much, since I was a single mother trying to make up for not finding a husband.
      The only time we had a good relationship was when she was a child before I had her brother. She was 5 years old and has always hated her brother and me. Thus when she got the time she told my son many lies about me so he would hate me too. It gets easier as you get older to "CLOSE THE DOOR" FROM BEING HURT AND BLAMING MYSELF. It is all a story playing out and will be over soon. I believe life always turns out the way it's supposed to.

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  14. As long as we stop forcing things they usually turn out the way they are meant to be. I had to finally realize that my son just flat does not like me or any of his family. Best to let them go. They either find their way back or they don’t. If they don’t then it wasn’t meant to be.

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  15. Update....my grandson is now living with us. I have cut my son off. My husband is his only source of contact at this time. My son has not asked that his son move back home. He has not gone to the school to get him he has not shown up,at my door to demand that he go with him. We are planning legal recourse at this time. God works in mysterious ways and I pray all the time my son finds a way to heal. My path right now is to protect my grandson who has fallen a victim to his verbal abuse and neglect. His grades at school have improved dramatically. I am blessed this year.

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  16. bullied & manipulated by my 36 yr old daughter--horrible when yo give your best & get abused in return--even to the point of pressured to buy a home for her & her family--including 4 kids & husband--they were not financially able to support a large family, so grandkids were used as manipulation. Her disrespect & bullying started when she was 14 & continues 22 years later. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, but I was able to divorce him. How do I handle trying to survive a relationship with an abusive daughter who holds my grandchildren hostage? I have stronge faith & trust God---but this is so difficult to live through--so unfair & cruel.

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    1. I completely understand what disrespect feels like. I have not heard from my son in 23 or more years and "I don't know why?" My Daughter on the other hand. I don't see how you should be held responsible for buying a house for her. The bullying is horrible to deal with. I am glad you have your faith. 'Trust in GOD'. "NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED AND NOTHING UNREAL EXISTS". Ekhart Tole. Just remember you are not alone. You can always write me and believe tomorrow is another day, GOD willing and you never what the future holds. She may come around but only GOD knows the timetable.

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  17. My son's mental abuse started trickling to my grandson, his son, who now lives with me. I have had to block my son because of the vulgarity that he texts me. We leave my husbands phone number should my son need to contact us regarding his son. It helps but still hurts. I do not hold out hope for a change on my son's part. All I could do was change the way I reacted and that is to not react and block him.

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  18. Jolene,
    It is very sad when it comes to having your grandson being influenced by your son. I have received phone messages, texts you name it from my daughter telling me how she can't wait until I am six feet under in an unmarked grave. this has been for 32 years. I sneak about when I can to see my grandson and he's 14 years old so he has his own phone and calls me when he can. Now he is very sick, but my daughter won't tell me what is wrong with him. Painful, but I blocked my daughter's number and he is the only one in that prefix.


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